Wondrous, Wacky, Whatever, What If Wednesday

Yes, it's been a while; been feeling a bit dry in writing, creating, being, simply a bit 'odd'. It isn't for a lack of inspiration as Autumn is my favorite time of year, it offers great promise, even more then Spring. And yet Autumn seems to be a bit 'odd' as well.

Beginning to think I've not really moved far beyond my insecurities, my weaknesses; not receiving a response to a heartfelt message, misinterpreting the response from another, overly thinking this time of year six years ago, fighting the urge to unearth Jeff's grave, battling increased panic attacks, wondering why there's been no answer to my request to hand cycle an up coming marathon, more yuck of not feeling like I'm good enough and seeing everyone else as so much better then I, feelings of rebellion but no sure of what it is I rebel, maybe myself...oh my list can go on and on and it becomes heavier and heavier...really, Jules, time to release, lighten up, let go, use these as fuel most especially the rebellion...

Chris asked me to light a candle, an offering, a prayer for him as he takes a test today. As I went through my own little preparation, ritual if you will, I kept wondering if I have it within me to implore unto the Heavens, I even, for a brief moment wondered is IT real? As I wrote an intuitive little prayer, request on behalf of my son, I was reminded that Chris, each of my five children, everyone, even insecure-weak-odd-little me has been given all the knowledge, confidence, wisdom...all we will ever need and more, has been given to us by Divine Grace...

As I closed my eyes in reverence of the offering, prayer, candle ritual a few recent images came to me ~

1. Driving back from town I had seen a young buck dead along side the road, this isn't unusual out where I live, yet this time I was more sensitive, filled with a deeper sorrow, a feeling how this creation of God was discarded, disrespected, abandoned without purpose - in this moment God infused within me even this deer is not forgotten by Him.
2. Seeing a tiny four week old baby, speaking with the new mom, watching them together - in this moment God infused within me none of IT is accident IT is by His devotion to love IT is real.
3. A dream, journey, time spent with the guides God has given me - in this moment God infused within me the validity of me, my own tiny most needful part of the shift of existence, "wait upon Me" he whispered.
4. Chris' phone call last night, his request for me to light a candle for him - in this moment God infused within me the requests of my own life and the candles He has lit on my behalf.

Oh again and again and again, even while wallowing in the mire of humanness God and Goddess touches me, ever so tenderly, lovingly touches me and their touch lights a candle within reminding me, once more, all I need I have in this moment...shine on little light, shine on.